Enneagram Type 9
Nines belong to the Body Centre. They are motivated to create harmony in their environment, avoid tension and preserve the flow of things with minimal disruption. Nines are devoted to sustaining inner and outer peace, both for themselves and those whom they connect with. While they are easy-going and calm, their avoidance of conflict and suppression of anger results in a slow-burn anger which can manifest itself in stubbornness or passive-resistance. They do have strong opinions which can go unexpressed until you ask. They are others-centred and can work hard on behalf of others, but when it comes to advocating for themselves, they frequently find it hard to express their opinions or take the right action.
Early Childhood
The Nine child may be able to identify being overlooked, left alone or given a lot of space to be on their own. Some may have felt neglected or unimportant, and this can come in many forms, like divorced parents, given too much freedom, having had busy caregivers, etc. The response of the Nine child was to ignore such feelings and take a “whatever will be, will be” mentality to conceal the pain. Similarly, they might have been rebuked for having needs or trying to get attention from their caregivers. At some point, the Nine child decided that it was safest to lay low and keep their thoughts or opinions to themselves – this numbing of emotional pain became a habitual pattern.
Strengths
Nines are non-judgmental and accepting. They are easy going, calm and peaceful to be with.
They bring calm to tense situations by laying out all the possible action steps and making each option worth pondering over. In that sense, they make the best mediators.
They are supportive and make you feel heard. You are accepted for who you are and nothing is wrong or right. It feels comforting being in their presence when you are on the wrong side of a situation.
Nines are able to go with the flow. There is seldom an argument about right or wrong even though they may have an opinion about it. Their self-control and patience is a lesson for others to sometimes let go and move on.
Limitations
Any type becomes unresourceful when they begin to over-do some of the thoughts and behaviours that are typical of the type.
Nines may have a preference for delaying decisions (especially uncomfortable ones) to avoid conflict. They do this by numbing themselves from discomfort till it seems safer or more comfortable to proceed. It works in some situations but not in many, like in business situations and those that involve quick decision making.
They can be misunderstood for being indecisive and frequently use words like, “go with the flow, it’s okay, small matter, don’t worry about it” when sometimes, it might be just a way to avoid talking about something that is uncomfortable. Nines tend to avoid confrontation, preferring to keep the peace and maintain stability and calm.
Nines can be sensitive to criticism. They may not retort or seek clarification but choose to dwell over something for long periods. It can have a negative effect on their self-esteem or self-worth when others see them retreating or standing down from necessary arguments.
Since Nines can shift their perception from one extreme to another, seeing the good in every situation and not taking sides at the same time, others can be confused about what they really think and want. In fact, they can be confused about their own wants as well.
Being too agreeable and caring too much about getting along can make it look like you are missing an anchor in your life. Instead of getting to the bottom of their pain or pushing to make tough decisions, Nines choose to distract themselves until the situation (hopefully) disappears.
Reflections
Learn the value of “No” instead of silently acquiescing and retreating. A passive stance is a lot less respected than if you were to state what you think or feel upfront in your gentle manner. Learn how to express your thoughts directly yet respectfully, the latter of which you know so well.
You might be busy pursuing others’ goals for them and forget about your opinions and needs. Don’t feel uneasy asking or saying what matters to you – your needs matter and so do you.
Notice when you are actually imagining having a relationship with someone vs relating with them. Learn to have deeper connections and take risks in communication with others – it’s the best way to develop confidence and self-worth, and stimulate interest and passion.
Learn to embrace constructive conflict and deal with it directly, with the understanding that resolving differences does bring people together.
Learn to make quicker decisions. A typical defence is to numb the pain and hope that it disappears. Like all problems, it never disappears until the root problem is dealt with. Planting the seed of approaching discomfort zones builds assertiveness and confidence.